GREAT SAVINGS

There are a great many mobile telephones on the market these days. All are made by companies with preposterous mission statements, all have idiotic names and all are full of ridiculous features that you neither need nor want. So where do you go for some nononsense advice?

Films are reviewed in all the major newspapers so that you can avoid the expense and embarrassment of accidentally seeing one with Vin Diesel in it. And it's the same story with books. You want to know what's worth reading and what's not, you tune into Richard and Judy.

Everything is reviewed. Cars. Restaurants. Holidays. You name it. But the only place you're going to find advice on mobile phones is on the internet.

On paper this is a good idea. We're not being regaled by people who we suspect have been bribed with a press junket to Bali. We're reading the words of real people who've spent real money on a product. Their experiences then should be worthwhile.

They're not. The page always starts with one post that says the product is excellent value for money, well designed and sold as standard with a battery that lasts for a thousand years. This, you know, has come from the marketing department of the manufacturer in question.

So you skip it and get to the meat. As a general rule each phone has about 1m reviews, all of which fall into two distinct camps. When presented with the opportunity to be a reviewer, people think they have to either gush or damn.

Hand them a choice of giving a rating of anything from one to 10 and all you get are ones and 10s. Six, in the world of amateur reviewing, does not exist.

So the phone you're reading about is either better than Uma Thurman's bottom or the worst use of plastic since Leslie Ash asked for a lip job.

Absolutely none the wiser, you will go to a shop and seek advice from the nine-year-old boy at the counter. "Which mobile is best for me?" you'll say in a language that marks you out as being English. A point he plainly doesn't notice because, and I guarantee this, he will reply in a tongue you simply will not understand.

He will tell you how many "pixels" the camera has. How many "gigs" the music player contains. He will talk about "Waps", "browsers", "USB connectivity", "Bluetooth" and, unless you are quick with your fists, "Eee-zee finance deals" that his company happen to be offering at the moment.

What I want is a mobile phone with a battery that lasts for more than six seconds. This means no colour screen. A colour screen uses more electricity than the Pentagon. I do not want it to take photographs. I do not want it to play music. I do not want to receive e-mails. I want it to be a telephone.

No such device is offered. Can you believe that? Seriously. Not one single mobile phone company in this vast and glorious world is offering a phone that is just that. A phone. A device that enables you to speak with someone a long way away.

Why? When I go to my local off-licence to buy a bottle of wine, I am not told that the bottle also contains a packet of Werther's Originals, a typewriter, some insect repellent, the throttle cable from a 1974 Moto Guzzi and a million other things that will simply impair my enjoyment of the wine. I am very angry about this.

My previous telephone was made by Motorola mission statement - Web. E-mail. Music. Blade thin. Experience it - along with a picture of a stupid-looking black man. It was called a Razr (not so much a name as a spelling mistake) and it was great if you wanted to download pornographic images from cyberspace into your pocket. But unfortunately if you tried to make a telephone call it would let you say "Hello" and then the battery would be exhausted.

My wife suggested I buy a RaspBerry, but I dislike these phones with the passion I normally reserve for ramblers and John Prescott. This is because people who have RaspBerries do nothing all day but fiddle with them. Since my wife got hers all she has said to anyone is "Mmm?"

Nokia was high on my list as a replacement possibility. Its mission statement - "Connecting people" - gave me hope that it might do just that. But no. It should be "connecting people, photographing them and annoying them with a vast range of mindless ringtones".

And it was the same story with LG - "Life's good", Samsung - "Where imagination becomes reality", and Sony Ericsson, which claims to sell simple talk and text phones, but that's like claiming the Bible is a book about a man.

It's ridiculous. They're making phones only for 12-year-old girls who want something cool, or businessmen who want something enormous so they look impressive in departure lounges. There's nothing for normal people. Nothing with a screen you can read. Nothing for people whose fingers are finger-sized. And nothing for people who don't do e-speak.

But despite this it's important that you buy now because soon you will be able to use your phone to bet on the horses and watch television.

It will become a device of such mind-boggling complexity that you will be lost and its battery will be flat anyway.

I ended up buying the nicest looking. It's called the V8 and, in the best traditions of phone reviewing, I'd give it one.

• Have your say

Hi Jeremy.
Ever thought of just putting the thing in the bin and just use smoke signals instead?
You have as much chance of getting any mobile to work as you would of Derby County winning the Premier League this season,and that is some time never!!

Mr David Roberts, Derby,

Jeremy, simply head onto ebay and buy a nokia 3310 for the same price as a bag of chips and then forever bask in the glory of simple texting and calling.

Problem solved my man.

David Harkin, Bromley Kent,

Hi Jeremy,
You know, reading your opinion was great fun (as it was with "The world according to Jeremy Clarkson) but I was quite surprised. Know why? You being so passionate about cars and showcasing all the latest models and making us hate our guts for not being rich enough to hire one, have a rather strange idea about phones.
Just a little confusing. I think seeing a crisp, bright colour screen or voice recognition on a phone for a techno geek is the same as GPS or Tiptronic on a Porsche. Surely they could drive the car (maybe even with more safety) without these "enhancements to the driving experience"! I should say I am for such improvments, be in cars, phones, TV's or any other thing.

Parsa, Dubai,

Hi Jeremy

You should have gone for the Emporia life phone. Large screen, large buttons - simple as. it cant take pictures or anything. Got one for my grandfather and he loves it!!! You can get one from www.silverphone.co.uk. I believe theres another one coming out called the Easyuse as well so you might want to check that one out from the same company.

Stewart Smith, Folkestone,

I agree with you Jeremy. The phone industry creates needs so you think you'd need it. I also would buy a telephone that ONLY calls and recieves calls and NOTHING more. I already have multiples digital cameras and check my email each day from home, so no need for more stuff on it.

Frederic Audet, Gatineau, Canada/Quebec

beware! many of wisemen of the past were tear apart because of things they told were not generally accepted at that moment

R Yakovlev, Moscow,

Not all mobile phone shops have inept staff (albeit the majority do), the staff in an Intex store near to me were most helpful, and actually listened to what I wanted, not what they wanted to sell. There are after sales care is also second to none. I'd give them 10/10. Whereas another high street supplier CWH gets a -10.

Chris, Cornwall,

I actually WANTED a 'phone that had a decent camera and mp3 player. I also wanted one that was reasonably robust. Imanaged to get a Benq Siemens at a knock-down price from Phones 4 U. It had gone out of production, and had dropped in price within a year from £250 to £80. All metal and glass construction, nice and compact, swish looking, am quite pleased with its performance as a 'phone. Takes decent pictures, mp3 player is nice, and I even use the Mobipocket reader to store and read Ebooks when bored.

But the software-totally rubbish. The 'phone completely refuses to communicate with my laptop, even though I've installed the software again and again, even though my USB detects it as a device. So, to transfer files, I have to take the damn thing apart and remove the tranflash card, and use windows explorer. Now, that really IS a pain...

Ian Onions, London, England

Brendan of Belfast - do what I do. Always make sure you never leave home without a good set of earplugs. The increased use of mindless folk using their mobiles in public places should be banned forevermore but, until everyone's sanity is at risk, use your earplugs - they really do the trick!

shirley bowen, Blackpool, UK

I am deeply shocked that for once i agree with the eco-murderer that is Clarkson. I am a cyclist and concerned about global warming so its a rareity. However i am sick of people inflicting their abysmal choice of music on me in public places without their having to carry a Ghetto Blaster which at least would not be so overwhelmingly tinny as the sound from a mobile.

matt mair, sheffield, England

So JC, you typed this article on a "typwriter" did you? Maybe you dictated it to a secretary, who then manually did all the spell checking for you? Maybe you then attached it to a very healthy pigeon for its journey via the editor, and then on to the "printing press" at The Times? Did you ever stop to think that, maybe I'm getting old? Ever hear of adults saying they can't program the "video"? Maybe the fact that, as you put it, no manufacturer makes the device you desire says more about you (and your deficiencies) than it does about the failings of the phone market? This comment was submitted via a computer, that just happens to be also playing music to me and allowing me to read the website that you submitted you article to....

Neil, Leeds, UK

Jeremy for world president! Start the campaign now!

What I want to know is why a phone which has been specifically designed for the elderly - larger buttons, larger than average screen and no 'extras' has to cost £179!

I just want a phone to talk to people - I don't want an extra slim version because it will get lost or I am frightened I will break it! However if someone would design one that can produce cups of tea on the move I would be very happy!

Yorkielass, York, North Yorks

You dont actually think Clarkson reads these do you!!?

Jambo, Nairobi, Kenya

For the first time in my 57 years I find I can actually agree with something that Clarkson has written or said. I must off immediately and get checked for signs of early Alzheimer's.

Robert Douglas, Phuket, Thailand

Ebay Is Your Friend!
Get a Nokia 3310; battery lasts a week, solid if boring interface, practically indestructible . . .
Mine's approaching 7 years old, and still refuses to die.

JsD, Lincoln, UK

I agree with every word of that.

Now, could Jeremy apply the same down-to-earth logic to cars, instead of recommending overpriced gas-guzzlers, obviously designed for crossing the Himalayas in 20 minutes, to people who never venture further than ASDA and their kids' school?

Herbert, St Andrews,

Jeremy, you should have kept the first mobile phone you bought and not been persuaded to "move up". I bet you were tempted to buy something lighter, more glamorous looking, or did you just lose it?

I've hung on to my old heavyweight Motorola Talkabout ever since I bought it to go into hospital so's I could phone and ambulance! I wasn't allowed to use it there but it has ruggedly survived many traumas since then.

Apollinaria, Sutton, Surrey

I agree 100% with Clarkson. I use Nokia 6310 given to me by mt Son in Law. The 2 upgrade free replacements sent to me have gone to the grandchildren. Nokia need to reintroduce this phone design it would sell in big numbers.
Bill Hawthorn Cranleigh UK

Bill Hawthorn, Cranleigh, UK

Jeremy, I'm an IT geek / programmer / e-speaker... Can't wait to get my hands on an iPhone to hack it and teach it tricks them in Cupertino don't want it to do! And I grumble discontentedly at it's missing features. But I understand your pain. I do. Simple phone. Makes calls. Great! Small BW screen, no camera, no gadgets, just large buttons and an enormous battery (but i would insist on bluetooth for a handsfree car set that wont destroy the beautiful facade of whatever vintage number you drive these days)

There was a spat of such phones launched about 2 years ago, and they flunked. Maybe it's time to re-test the market.

While amateur reviews do indeed go to mad extremes just to have an opinion, you will find that the good people at cnet will give an honest impartial review.

Bill Coleman, Dublin, Ireland

Well said Jeremy,

My Motorola V235 is excellant. Key pad is easy to rad. The scren is colour & it dioes have a camera. (I have used the camera on 3 occasions in 15 months or so - to cover an emergency.

If you don't want the phone th play music, down load the sound of a car revving up! Website is advertised in Auto Express.

Richard Brown, Bromley,

Good points, Jeremy. Perhaps you could now do a similar article on cars, with their often silly names and claims. And as for useless capabilties, why do they make, and you extol, cars that can travel far faster than any existing speed limit?

Al, Weybridge,

it is just ridiculous Jeremy.. technology is making life comfortable if not luxury..
Come out from your Car bonnet mind and look the world in a wider perspective and embrace the new technologies.

Suresh, WOLVERHAMPTON, UK

Horses for courses.

As I sat in my office last year, I had a cell phone, an iPod, an external Hard Drive AND sometimes a digital camera on my desk. I got to thinking that despite being ultra compact, having 3 or 4 separate devices might actually be overly bulky.

Hey guess what - I can get a cell phone, with a couple of SD cards, to do EVERYTHING that I used to have multiple devices doing before. I get an extra couple of square feet of my desk space back.

If Clarkson wants a phone so old AND heavy that it can be used as a deadly weapon - good luck to him. When he truly enters the information age, he might need a little more integration of hardware.

P.S. As a consultant, it would be inappropriate for me to use my clients computer hardware for any of these tasks.

Dry Heat Dave, Phoenix, Arizona

Spot on Jezza.

The running gag between my group of friends when someone gets a new mobile is "Has it got a phone on it?".

My latest Sony Ericsson one resembles one of those credit card sized calculators from the 80s and it's rubbish.

Jamie, Wigan,

The worst part of mobile phones these days has to be the music players, and the loudspeaker function that accompanies tht. There hasnt been a day in the last two years that i get on a bus, and have not been greeted by little 12 year old children listening to the worst music imaginable. You sit there minding your own business listening to one mindless child telling the other mindless child to 'bluetooth me 'at'. But not only will you be listening to one tuneless excuse for a song but you will be listening to at least 5 as each child wants their 'tune' to be heard. the day that phones are made without these loudspeakers will be the day that i am able to die happily.

Brendan, Belfast,

I upgrade my cell phone hardware only as my carrier stops supporting the old model. I don't give my number out to many people, because I don't really want to be available all the time to everyone. I use my phone for my convenience. I would like to see the contact list on all cell phones (not just crackberries) compatible with that of Outlook, so I don't have to enter all that info in two places. Until that occurs, I just won't enter numbers into my cell phone. Having to remember and dial each number keeps me from making a lot of unnecessary calls. I don't want to watch tv, or listen to music on my cell--I really like to think, those features are distractions to that end, and I don't need to be constantly entertained by outside programming!

DJ, USA,

Hey, I did recently buy a phone with NOTHING in it - not even a colour screen. It is a basic one bought at the Virgin store. So they do exist LOL

Poli, Colcheste, Essex

Try http://www.basicmobile.co.uk or

http://www.easyusephone.co.uk

John, ely,

Clarkson is a grumpy ranter, but this is funny and so true. I never take photos with my inferior mobile camera, hardly ever browse the 'mobile web' (which doesn't really exist) on the tiny screen, don't use its music capabilities (iPod is much better), don't use it's awful diary... The only useful features are phone, text and alarm clock.

Mobile phones are going through an evolutionary phase where manufacturers bundle everything in fear of falling behind competitors. Once the market starts to mature I am sure user-friendliness will actually become important again (Motorola seem to have shut down their usability department, juding by the quality of the interfcace).

Finall, I do wonder what a 'grammar phone' is. This is exactly the kind of person Mr Clarkson is irritated by, which makes this whole article even funnier!

J Smith, London, UK

Mine is quite good; I just use it for phoning and texting and it is all quite straightforward. It's the Sony Ericsson J220i. By the way, I would like to know where Steven suggests I get a "grammar phone". It would be ever so useful as I'm on a teacher training course to become an English teacher.

F. Scheltus, Bristol,

Its a piece of technology, technology is designed to be innovative, convenient, complex in theory and simple in design. mobile phones will eventually be called mobile computers simply because the foundation their technology is based on is becoming more and more advanced.

asking for a mobile phone that just phones is like asking for a grammar phone that just plays music. the technology required to perform just that one task is out dated, inefficient and if you think phones cause brain cancer - a health hazard.

These phones of the future are designed for those with enough technical merit to use the phone for all its worth. students use them as file storage of their work, music enthusiasts use it while they travel, business men (as you pointed out) use for organisation etc. but all this comes under the word "mobile" which is already being donned as the word for the technology. it is a phone, but this is now just one aspect of the mobiles capabilities.

steven azari, swansea,

Apart from cars is there anything that Mr. Clarkson likes?

john motor, london, uk

At last ....a modicum of common sense !
When you have found such a phone let me know and I will buy one.

GJR Morris, Derby, Derby

yes. i agree, why whould phones do everything except phone!

ps i like your books

james waples, cambridge, england

My Sony Ericsson takes amazingly good pictures, and I've always got my phone with me, unlike my camera. It syncs with Outlook, so I get alerts and details for my meetings when I'm out and about. It's my alarm clock, and it's my handy calculator.

And all fit in my pocket, in one small, very robust unit, that has wonderful call quality, and a 5 day battery.

The other day at work a company name was mentioned, so when I left the meeting, I looked them up on the web, rang for an appointment, then got Google Earth to get me the directions. Aren't these things rubbish eh? Jezza, you slagged iPods off for years, then realised they are pretty useful things. Maybe it's about time you looked at mobiles differently. (You have no excuse, we are the same age....)

Mark B

Mark Bullen, Kiama Downs, NSW Aus

i dont want other peoples mobile phones to play music....especially on the bus

odette , brighton, england

at last a voice that represnts a vast majoritry of us.
how refreshingly novel it would be to have a mobile phone that does what it says on the label ' it makes phone calls' period.
in nice big letters and numbers that are readable,for the millions of us that hav'nt got our origional perfect sight.
if only someone would listen

r.stiles, sussex, uk

Buy a phone called VERTU. It is a hand-built phone (in the UK) that's just made to actually call people without camera and unneeded accessories. They're just a bit expensive, although the ASCENT model is still affordable.

Olivier, St Tropez, France

Hi Jeremy


Mobile phone hype, its a phone nothing more, why are so many people obsessed with their little personnel extensions of themselves.

Everyone in the uk is plugged-in, how sad we all are!!!

I dislike mobile phone intensely, however they can be very handy. However on the hole the conversations people have are generally complete drivel, we have all stood behind or next to garbage / nuisance conversations.

We now have the prada phone, some of these phones are in excess of £1000, my last phone was a Nokia 3210, I have now upgraded to a nokia 8310. However I am unable to get hands free, as it isnâ€^TMt bluetooth. More marketing drivel, sir “you phone rather old we no longer stock such out of date itemsâ€�.

So I look at upgrading, sales pitch, sir “are you a heavy user� no I have been on the wagon for some time now, sales urchin has a blank expression. I left and searched the Holy Grail, ebay, I have now upgrade to a Nokia 6230i (injection model I think).



john

john, southampton, uk

fair enough if you dont want a moblie phone that plays music theres no one that is going to push you into getting one. it is enitrly up to you

lewis anderson, kempston, england

For someone that obsessed with the newest cars and the newest technology, it seems so primitive to say that you just want a phone that makes call..ONLY. By that logic, forget your Ferrari's, say goodbye to your Rolls Royce's, adios Mercedes, becuase theyre just extras you dont need. A car is designed to take you from point 'a' to point 'b', so why all the extras???

embrace the technology people! dont live in the past, if my mother can use a mobile phone with a color screen, txt messaging and a camera, im sure most people, including you Jeremy, can use them.

Rafael , Madrid , Spain

What you want, Mr Clarkson, is a Nokia 1100. It fulfills your criteria and only has one gimmick...a torch. You would not believe the number of times that this has come in handy. In fact, I'd give it 6 out of 10.

Ben, Middlesbrough,

Don't worry Jeremy, we can't even get channel 5 television station on the Isle of Man yet, so don't worry about an all singing and dancing 3G mobile phone, when you're over here you may not get a signal !!

KA. Isle of Man.

Kim Addy, Glen Vine, Isle of Man

I couldn't agree more.
Now, if JC would be as reasonable about cars...

Herbert, St Andrews,

My phone used to last all week on a charge, 18months later it only lasted 2 days, then it had to be charged every day. I bought a new battery for it, and to may amazement it was no better, and now its actually worse than ever.
Most of us "upgrade" our phone because of the poor lifespan of the battery.
Lithium Polymer, lithium ion batteries are remarkably small for the energy they contain, but they have a short life span. After 50 charges they start to lose capacity, after 100 charges they will be at about 75%, and they also degrade over time so after about a year your phone will need charging every day to work at all. You can buy a new battery, but all the batteries were made in a single production run to suit that phone, and they degrade over time on the shelf!

Gorodn Rigg, Manchester, UK

I'm dreading the day my black and gold Nokia 6310 gives up...there is nothing out there that is of the right size and simplicity, or looks half as good! It has the original battery, and has never let me down.

And Jeremy's right about "9 year old" mobiles salesmen. When Dixon's was no more, all those wide-boy, whiteshirt-wearing sales-boys moved over to pushing Mobile phones on us!!

John Robinson, Thetford, UK

Ask Nokia to send you a 6310i - phone and text only, battery lasts for a week, indestructible, normal finger sized. I've had mine since 2002. Good to know I'm not the only person not to understand the razr (brief 2 week flirtation) - 'is it me?' etc

David Hill, Birmingham,

Begs the question why Clarkson needed a new phone anyway - most likely his existing model works just fine for all he needs it for (talking).

JB, Budapest,

If you want a simply mobile for calls and text only try the Motorola Motofone-F3, 300 hrs standby, 500 mins talk time. all for 25.99 sim free

greg, kingston upon thames, surrey

Bravo!!

I give your review a 10!!!

My Samsung is over three years old and it actually enables me to 'talk' with another human being on the other end. Nothing more. Despite numerous requests from several friends and marketers to upgrade to the latest bells and whistles, I have no intention of doing so. I simply like having a mobile phone that is a telephone - first and foremost.

I appreciated reading this review and seeing that I am not alone!

Brian, Portland, Oregon, US

http://www.psfk.com/2006/12/minimalist_cell.html

Check this out, Jeremy.

Jason , New York,

well said mr clarkson, mobile phones have become everything that they shouldn't be, and forgot the battery issue, i have an imate jamin, although it is nice and very effective, its battery lasts for one day only . i used to have an ericsson 688, and i wish i never sold it .

Firass, beirut, Lebanon

It is true that most people just want mobile phones to be phones - you only have to look at the prices commanded by simple old models on E-bay to see that. So why do the manufacturers persist in making multi-purpose phones with limited battery life as Clarkson laments? The reason is simple and it is Gordon Brown. Remember 10 years ago when Gordon Brown thought it would be a good wheeze to flog thin air to the telcos? The telcos fell for it and paid billions for 3G licences. Now the telcos have to try and make some money out of the pup Gordon sold them and that means selling new, expensive services to customers, which means feature rich phones. You see, the big customers for mobile phones are not the end users, but the telephone companies - they demand the complicated phones, since simple handsets cannot use the 3G services they need to sell to get back some of the funny money they threw at Gordon Brown.

Richard, Worcester, England

As usual, Jeremy's comments are spot on!

In 2004, Nokia was daft enough to discontinue its most popular handset ever made, instead concentrating on these infernal kiddyphones with a battery life of a few hours.

But such is the demand for the 'old' Nokia handset, that a whole industry has been set up to support them. Fully reconditioned ones are available at around £100.

So, no 9 year old is going to try to flog me a videostreaming, MP3 playing kiddyphone with FM radio - I'm going to buy a spare 'old' Nokia!!

Nick Wilcock, Witney, Oxfordshire, UK

Yes - buy a 6310 online.

I needed to replace a battered 6 year old Nokia 6210, which I loved. I went into a cellphone store and the first thing the guy asked me was whether I wanted to listen to music or take photos. I said no I wanted it for phone calls and I wanted one with a keypad that my fingers could actually use.

I must have picked up 70+ phones and my blood was boiling - I couldn't find a single one where the number pad was actually designed to be used. By that I mean keys that stand out, so your thumbs can actually feel what they are pressing - so that I don't have to poke with a finger. Appearance has totally triumphed over useability in current cellphones.

Then I found a website selling 6310's - it is perfect.

Guy, Hong Kong,

If you just want a phone to talk to another person then just get a Nokia 1100. So simple even you can use it.

http://www.nokia.co.uk/link?cid=EDITORIAL_28936

Tigermoff, basingstoke,

Mr Clarkson, I couldn't agree more: I no more want my mobile telephone to play music and take photos than I want my home telephone to cook dinner.

John Woodford, Cambridge, U.S.

I have the same problem trying to choose now, phones are like fashion items that we must keep upgrading. The manufacturers have no intention of producing a nice straight forward phone that will last a few years. No, its fit a camera without a lens cover so it will get scratched and you'll soon need a new one, or make it look ridiculous so that its dates quickly and you then need a new one or fit a little control stick (sony) which soon goes wrong and then you need a new one

Adrian, london,

I ABSOLUTELY AGREE.
When I started working in journalism 25 years ago we would call the newsroom from the field using a payphone. After that they installed powerful 3 watts celphones in our cars so we used that. I am not against technology advancements but I do agree that a phone should be a phone and the most important features should be ease of use, connection quality and a long lasting batteries. I am also very saddened and annoyed at friends and family permanently fiddling with their "multitasking devices". I think it alienates them from reality and and human relations.
I bought ten (10!) old motorolas startacs (great transmitter- great battery life) on ebay for US$100. They all came with battery, a spare and two chargers each (one for the car an the other for home use). That's a CELLPHONE! It is small enough, I can call and they can call me.
Also I have ten of them so, when one breaks I can pass on the number to a new one.

Giovanni Savino, New York, NY

Apple's iPhone is extremely easy to use and has great battery life. Give one a try at their store; you may be amazed. A lot of your "soon you'll be able to..." thoughts have already been ironed out with this device. But don't act so dated. Don't be afraid to learn new things. If words like "pixel" and "gigabyte" are that intimidating to you, I suggest sticking to pen and paper. Times change, and every generation has warned it's youth of this. It's not unexpected, it's not magic, and it's not the future...it's now, and there's always time to catch up.

Bryan, Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Yup, I agree with the others. Get a Nokia 1100. The Nokia 5310i (where do they GET those numbers?) is great too.

starling, Lancaster,

A friend of mine downloads music onto their phone and that also seems pointless. Most people listen to music on ipods, or in their cars or at home on a stereo. Why would you need it on your mobile too? Plus when you get a phone call it cuts in on the song and then you have to start the song again. How annoying is that??!! If you receive a lot of phone calls you could spend half the day trying to listen to one song. That is of course you had the patience for it.

All I want a mobile for is for texting and phone calls. I have to admit I do like to obtain a decent ringtone as the standard ones you get are a bit annoying. You can picture the Dom Jolly sketch now can't you?

Another bug bear with mobile's is that you can never escape for alone time because if you turn your mobile off for awhile, when it goes back on you get a host of abuse from friends who want to know "why did you have your phone switched off!"
Answer: so you can't call me to say "I sent you email!"

Michelle Smith, Hertfordshire, UK

I have a Motorola KRZR with many, many functions I don't use or need. I use it for phone calls and the occasional text message. It was a free upgrade, I chose it because I like flip phones - no need to lock the keypad.

But because of it's external buttons - that I never use - I often find that the phone has contrived to take photographs of the inside of my trouser pocket by some unlikely combination of external button presses that I am unable to duplicate with my fingers. I'm sitting working at my desk when I hear the tell-tale irritating shutter click sound from my trouser area, then I have to manually delete each blank image individually.

My personalised voicemail message helpfully tells callers that I never check my voicemail, and I never leave voicemail on other people's phones. If I make a call I want to speak to the person I'm calling, not leave a message.

I use cameras for taking pictures, a minidisc player to listen to music, a TV to watch TV programmes and films.

Clive, Bristol, England

Clarkson - - a man after my own heart. I've been whinging at Nokia for taking the 6310i off the market. It was the best business phone ever: no bells and whistles, but it had a real 10-day battery life.
I've yet to find any mutli-purpose gadget that performs any of its tasks as efficiently as a dedicated device. So in the name of all that's holy, Nokia - plz bring back the 6310i and put Clarkson and me out of our misery.

Sharon, Durban, South Africa

There is one by samsung (in the US) from a company called jitterbug. It has big buttons, a black and white screen with big numbers, and all it does is make phone calls.

Gus, Los Angeles, USA / CA

Try CNET.com. There' s lots of fives, sixes, sevens, and several useful phones there (look at nokia 3000 series) with few toys, but that still doesn't mean the network will actually not cut you off or deliver your call to some virtual world beyond this planet- I like toys too, but I'd rather the phone did what its supposed to do, MAKE AND RECEIVE calls....then maybe I'd consider a toy or two...

Dr. R. Close, Boston, USA

Personally, I have no objection to a phone which is also a decent camera, an FM radio and a GPS. That saves me carrying three other items. As for all the other stuff, they can keep it.

Paul, Rochester, UK

I had the same problem, bought a Nokia 1100 for NZ$78 which is perfect. Only a phone, no extras, nice and easy to use. Perhaps you are shopping in the wrong country.

Charles, Timaru, New Zealand

I recently called into T Mobile to top up my credit. I was told that if I hung on to my mobile a bit longer, it could be exhibited in the British Museum! Cheeky little bugger! I told him if they invent one that does the washing up, I might think about buying another.

shirley bowen, Blackpool, UK

Jeremy, I couldn't agree more.
buy a Nokia 1100, bloody simple,
good battery life, 5 days or so...
easy to use!!!
its a phone! nothing else...very unique
as no one has one...
Best phone i have ever used!!!
Owna palm - and its pooh!
phones should be phones...

rodger, passfield,

I totally agree! A phone that can make calls and send texts is all that most people need. I have a nice camera and mp3 player, so my phone does not need to do these things. I would strongly advise anyone looking at a nokia 6111 to avoid them. I've had 4 now and each time, after about 8 weeks, the silly thing starts switching itself off whilst I'm in the middle of writing a text message. Yesterday, for no apparent reason, the text deleted itself and refused to continue!
Oh, and what happened to the 12 month contract? Everywhere I am seeing 18-24 month contracts, knowing full-well the phone won't last that long!!!

Jen, London,

Perhaps Jeremy, you are not asking the right questions or people & just need to find a better retailer. There are plenty of phones that do what you ask for & the Nokia 6310i is the best of the lot, available from a nuber of online retailers. Further downmarket, the Nokia 1110 or the Nokia 1600 can leave you change from a £20 note.

S. A, London, UK

Hear hear..well written..Jeremy.

If one wishes to buy a simple mobile..just to be able to communicate and send tests. (from all over the world) the chap in the "space-out" shop look at me as I had just emerged from the 60's..Nobody does simple anymore.

My pet hate is when they won't switch off their annoying ringtones in the bingo halls. What did people do before mobiles???

jess, west sussex, UK

Clarky, you need to lower your sights a bit and ask about the
c h e a p e r models... shh!

Now, if you can find me an ordinary electronic diary / notepad , with perhaps no more than a calculater (15 digit would be nice), where I can input scraps of information over the day and many months, years later can retrieve them easily with say, just entering the clients name in a search, (like I used to be able to do with my long since dead psion palmtop) and I will be more impressed.

P. J. , West Vlaanderen, Belgium

I have to agree with Mr Clarkson's views on this subject wholeheartedly. I recently had to replace my old and trusty Nokia 3310 because the battery wouldn't hold a charge. I'd already changed the battery twice and decided the amount I was paying out each time for a replacement would probably be better spent on a new phone. My service provider, O2, was offering a 'free' upgrade. Their definition of free definitely is at odds with mine, however I trawled through the available upgrades on-line. I was appalled that I couldn't get a replacement phone which didn't also include a camera. My old 3310 had a simple and easy to use menu system. The new phone has a colour screen with minuscule icons that hurt my eyes to read. Each time I want to set the alarm on the clock it takes me several minutes to find the appropriate sequence of icons because this sequence is not, to my mind, intuitive. The phone works well as a phone but that's about all I can say for it. KISS - keep it simple, stupid!

Chris Smith, Plaistow, West Sussex,

Absolutely right! Which is why you see so many mature business people still toting old, battered Nokia 6310s.

Best phone they ever made, and one of the last to be usable in a carphone cradle.

David Garfield, London, UK

Spot on again Jeremy. Many things done survive combination, and the phone/camera/mp3/PDA is a mix that can't add value to a discerning life. Important functions need to be separated; for the same reason a fridge/microwave/dishwasher/lawnmower combo could only satisfy a strange need....

Derek Bell-Morris, Bayswater, West Australia

Buy one on ebay Jeremy. - As-new Nokia 6310i. No colour screen, no fancy ringtones, endless battery life, works in the US and a big screen you can actually see.

Let the young morons waste their money, us oldies know a bargain when we see one.

David, St Albans, UK

contact vodafone and ask them for the nokia 2610. no photographs and no music and the nearest you will get to the old fashioned land line brrr brrr ring tone. it was also voted the best 'simple, no frills' mobile by 'which' magazine

jean pike, northleach, uk

Maybe telephoning is not the point after all. When you telephone, you must have something to say, and you need numerous people willing to hear from you. After a while, if you call just to babble, they blackball you.
Therefore these gadgets must include more features every week because what people really want is to fidget to kill time without any effort, physical or intellectual. That excludes reading (books or news), listening tunes over 3 minutes long (what is the Imperial system equivalent to the minute, by the way?), listening to the radio or writing. Why else would they watch pictures or movies on screens the size of a post stamp when they demand no less than 7.457 links (that is 1.5 m) ones at home?
Besides, with smoking amounting to joining some neo nazi movement in the Brave New World, they really need something else to fidget. Hence the constant handling (almost a freudian thing, one might think) of evolving features which are the equivalent of new flavors in tobacco.

Ronnie, PARIS, FRANCE

Congrats on the new phone, but I must add that when I had to find phones for my parents (who, like you, just want a basic phone), I found the low-end Nokias to be good simple phones (1100 and 1110 were what I chose for them in the end).

What's more, they were under £50 each, and my parents are very happy with them.

Dean, Geelong, Victoria, Australia

Jez, there is anew mobile on its way with you in mind:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/6462559.stm

Mark, oldham, Lancs.

I have a cdma phone that has messaging and it works. I need glasses to operate it and the battery lasts along time. I don t have a plan. I bought it hoping it would be usable and similar to the hitchhikers guide. with large friendly letters . Don't panic etc. It is is sort of like that . It is obsolete after 3 years. The network is being shut down like the analogue network. I have an old body and work on my own and the phone was to reassure me that if i became ill or had an accident on the farm or became lost in a supermarket i would be able to contact somebody.. Thats all i need. ..Me to contact others . not anything else. This phone simplicity has been lost by the new phones..Girls like the new ones it seems. The wife prefers hers to me. though it has more useless info

robert williamson, muston, australia

I have a Siemans mobile telephone that makes calls, sends messages and rings like the old fashioned 'phone of long ago. It cost £29.99 and, because it has few peripherals (I think it may have an alarm), the battery lasts for ages. I had no problem buying this in Witney but as I am rather older than you, the assistant probably realised he was wasting his time trying to spend my money on unwanted gizmos.

Mrs. M. M. Nicholas, Standlake, Witney, England

I think perhaps the problem is that these devices are made for a culture of people who prefer to talk AT one another rather than TO one another. The all-inclusive distractionary add-ins are probably there so one doesn't have to be bothered with a possible unfavorable reaction to what was said. And who the hell are Richard and Judy?

Jim Lloyd, Terre Haute, Indiana, United States of America

"When presented with the opportunity to be a reviewer, people think they have to either gush or damn."

I guess they learned that from you Jeremy. It's what makes you entertaining to read despite mostly being wrong.

Jason Edmunds, Pontypridd, RCT

Jeremy Clarkson damns amateur reviewers who either damn or gush. Irony indeed.

Redcliffe, London,

I think the Menu is the work of the devil. If it was just a button for a phone, and a button for the camera then it wouldn't be too bad. But you have to push the menu button and scroll down a list of options, then maybe click to a second-level of options - it's absolutely horrible. Even modern cars have menus! You have to click down to the second level to set options. Menus should be banned in cars - only buttons and dials should be allowed. Menus are truly the epitome of bad user design. To be fair to the iPhone, it has buttons for various functionalities, rather than menus.

Andrew Thomas, Swansea,

Clarkson can & should have a rebuilt Nokia 6310i, far & away the best ordinary phone ever made. They are widely available on the net. I am astonished he does not know this. Nokia made a very great mistake in stopping this phone.

David Raynes, Bath, UK

i agree with jeremy - i want a phone that phones!
Vodaphone told me there was such a thing, but it was more expensive than a blackberry or was it a loganberry. Why???

(Mrs) I.Rowell, sibsey (boston), uk

I couldn't agree more.
Now, if JC would be as reasonable about cars...

Herbert, St Andrews,

Just because my car has air bags, it doesn't mean I have to use them.

Julian, London, UK

I'll say one good thing for Nokia phones - if you happen to drop them when they ring, into a water trough - it will continue to ring - and function as normal. Or even if you happen to put it through the washing machine by accident. Same result.

Love ya as always Jere!

Jam Marie, Mount Gambier, SA, Australia

I've had more problems with carphones. I bought a new Range Rover Sport TDV8. Ramsay's got one so I thought it ought to be effin well alright! Not as such, I've got two mobile phones an neither will connect to the hands-free kit. I rang Land Rover, pulled over obviously, apparently the kit doesn't work with 'all' phones. They sent me a list of approved phones which I took to a shop where I was told all of the phones have been out of production for 18 months. Called Land Rover back who suggested Ebay!!
My company recently had a new Scania HGV delivered, while I was inspecting the cab my phone rang and the truck's hands-free kit connected perfectly. This is a major victory for the anti-motorist lobby! Not only am I driving safely hands-free, I'm limited to a top speed of 56mph and I've ditched the Chelsea Tractor . Obviously, with a 500ltr tank, fuel economy's a bit of an issue. However, if the entire bank system now collapses (likely) I'm a millionaire in the currency of Nectar points.

George Nonbio, Bristol,

Nor take pictures. A simple device that makes call only. The other addetives should be optional. If I want a camera I go and buy a good descent camera or music player. The manufacturers are selling devices such as music players or cameras that if they wanted to sell them individually no one would buy them because of poor quality. We are forced to adobt this stupidity.

Shahin, Sydney, Australia

There are some review sites out there that try a little harder than giving 1 or 10, try C|NET, http://reviews.cnet.co.uk/mobiles/ for more traditional reviews or Your Mobile Phone Reviews for user based reviews: http://www.yourmobilephonereviews.co.uk/

Personally, I like Sony Ericsson phones, I've never really had a problem with them and they have all the features I need.

I'd never buy a Motorola because they generally tend to have one gigantic flaw in each of their handsets.

Phoenix, London,

Buying the cheapest on the spot without reading any reviews is the way to go. The battery on my old Nokia kept lasting less and less. I bought a Sagem thing in Asda for £20, the only one they had. The battery doesn't last any longer and I can only press all the buttons at once. It does fit in my pocket much nicer though.

Max Erhard, Banstead, Surrey, UK

So did we, Jeremy, so we bought the Nokia 1100. They told it wasn't being made any more which was why it was so cheap but we've seen it around since. It just makes and receives phone calls and texts, and the battery lasts for ever. A first class piece of kit.

M Cole, Wendover, Bucks

I know how you feel - and I found a mobile that .......... makes telephone calls sends texts, has VERY LARGE LETTERS on the screen for oldish blokes with fading eyes, and has a battery that lasts 5 days on standby ........ and that's it!! And it cost under £30 on pay as you go. Jeremy - try the Motorola MOTOFONE for a return to what phones should be - making calls, not compromising cameras, MP3s etc. The Toyota Hilux of mobiles.

Neil Morrison, Broughton, Scottish Borders

Haven't you ever heard of magazines called M3, T3 och mobile?
And if you really don't want a mobile phone with music you have lots of cheaper cellphones to choose from. So why are you complaining? You can't really be annoyed just because some people want music in their phones?
Just ignore the fact that they have a small integrated musicplayer and use it as you want to.

Anton Södergren, Helsingborg, Sweden

Do I want a phone that plays music? probably not. Do I want other people to have phoines that play music? Definately not

Dean, Falmouth, UK

If you want the best mobile these days you're best buying the cheapest.

Adam, Walsall,

I just enjoyed reading your article. I kind of agree. That's why I still hold on to my five year old phone instead of getting a new iPhone. It is troubling to me how companies are in such a rush to create the new thing they forget that what they made before was just fine -- if they would only continue to support it.

Philip Mayor, Los Angeles, CA

I could not agree more. My! 9 year old sales-thingy went into a rapid spiel about all the gismo features mentioned by Jeremy and I held up my hand to say stop stop, which thankfully it! did. Does it make and send telephone calls I asked, a reasonably question don't you think?. The reply, when it eventually came from a wide opened mouth, was "funneeey". 'Why funny?' I asked 'you never mentioned it.'

They all make calls it! said. 'Well tell me which is the best one for making calls' I asked. Again I had a long wait. "They are all the same" it! said. So Jeremy just buy the cheapest.

Michael, Ilminster, Somerset

Jeremy the Sunday Times regularly reviews phones in its print edition, as does every National newspaper. Perhaps you should check out the In Gear section.

MG, London, UK

Spot on Clarkson. The mobile companies cut each others throats and pay way too much for licenses . Then expect us to use services we have no interest in.

I dread the day my ancient Nokia dies its death.

No, you can't have it :-)

N Wilson, Bourne, lincs